My Morning Routine with Charms
4AM.. meow.. meow.. MEOW… “Go away Charms“… MEEEOOWWWWWW “No” (This happens every 15 mins until 6AM)
6AM… Ohh, look the human is still SLEEPING. Let me CLAW HER EYES OUT.. “Oh f*ck it Charms, those are eyes you know! Go and sleep“
6:15AM.. She’s still asleep.. ah-HA, there is the soft fleshy part of her arm exposed! *bites* “WTF?!?!?!!?!?! Okay okay, *pat, pat* *opens door* “Go outside“
6:30AM.. Hmmm, what if I place my paws in her hair, then grab onto her scalp with my claws then KICK FOR ALL DEAR LIFE! *screams like a banshee* Yeah.. that does it.
The above happens.. every… single.. morning. DO NOT GET A CAT.
Don’t get me wrong though. I love Charms, and everyone who knows me knows that. However, he can do things that will really get to me… Like wrap his arms around one of mine (quite lovingly too), then open claws and proceed to kick my arm while gnawing his way to CHINA through the bones in my fingers… Or even decide my MacBook is a chew toy..
Cats are WORSE than dogs and toddlers put together, because we know that they know better and they are smarter, which makes them more devious than ever. Every post that says cats are assholes, are 2,345,678% TRUE and ACCURATE.
If you’re lonely, don’t get a cat, get a puppy. The puppy will love you and love everything you do, and chew your shoes. A kitten will turn into a CAT. The cat will then open your drawers, take out your panties and hide them under the couch.. The cat will leave squishy caterpillars under your pillow at 2AM. The cat will decide that when you FINALLY fall asleep, that they need to run, at FULL SPEED with claws extended, across the bed, REPEATEDLY. The cat will HATE YOU if you don’t feed it on time. And when the cat hates you, you will sleep with both eyes open for the rest of your life, because it’s plotting your demise. And cats show no emotion whatsoever when you show them love. They look at you like you’re a tiny, puny, lowly human. Your self-esteem will never be so broken ever in life.
I love my cats. Just letting you possible cat owners out there KNOW that you’re signing your death certificate.