My life never settles down; I literally live in a state of movement and discomfort. Over the years, I’ve learned to deal with it, but the last six months have been insane. I’ve had my first ever car crash, which totalled my car, I’ve met someone, moved, finally opened the UK marketing agency, and dealt with a host of post-crash medical issues that leave me exhausted. In short, it’s been manic, so no wonder I have writers block and clinical exhaustion. 🤣
Dealing with Writer’s Block
The last thing I wrote was on this blog, nearly a year ago. I either haven’t had the time or the inspiration to work on these things. I’m constantly distracted by things like Reddit, doing my nails or cleaning my car. Basically, this post is breaking the ice. I’ve spoken about writers block before and I always struggle with it, even though writing comes naturally to me. Writing is like talking with words, which is why some people think it sounds like I’m actually talking to them (yeah, kinda cool, I know).
I figured out that if I just write something, put words on a script, that somehow, as if by magic, words will become pages and pages will become books. It’s like going to the gym for the first time in a year, when you used to go every day the year before; you start with a baby weight and work you way up, and suddenly you’re deadlifting one and a half times your own weight in months (because muscle memory). I like to think that this blog is like my baby weight, my cathartic method of remembering how to write, while executing some form of therapy because I don’t really talk about anything but my feelings and emotions here. That’s how you know I’m in a bad place; I stop writing.
Writing for me is when I’m ready to heal; when I’m done hurting, when the battle is over, won or lost. We all have things like this though, whether it’s playing football or dance or painting, one thing that we can pour the depths of our pain into as a form of release.
The space of time I’ve spent writing the last 300 words, I’ve thought about Netflix, tea, rubbing my hands, how tired I feel and how badly I just want to sleep. I’ve unconsciously held my breath while writing that last sentence. Why? Fuck knows. My subconscious is like a separate machine that has a mind of its own. Dangerous place that is, dangerous. This is how distracted and unfocused my writing habits have become. I’m afraid to write, as if I’m a fraudulent writer. Anyone that publishes words is in some form, a writer. You write, you publish, you get paid, you’re a writer. But my subconscious insecurity has planted that seed of doubt, and it’s beginning to get some sunlight as I’ve not written for a year. That’s the only type of sprout I’ll tear out of the ground; the savage climbing vine of doubt.
The Winds and
Waves Tsunami of Change
Does anyone else feel like their life is an unstable bullet train, put on tracks that haven’t been fastened well, or that someone in the background will just change the direction of the tracks without your explicit permission? It’s like I’m on this path, the path I think is in the right direction and will lead me to the place I want to be: free. And then suddenly, curve ball muthafucker. It’s a joke, seriously. I’ll be on my way to finally settling down and then my life will be turned upside down and shook like a snow globe. My knee accident felt like that. My car crash felt like that. My brother losing his sanity and kicking me out felt like that.
What do all of those things have in common? I didn’t explicitly make those decisions. Those were actions made by the ripple effect of life. The next snow globe shake will be mine though; when I decide it’s time for not just a new chapter, but a new book. (2pm: Brain says I’m sleepy, my whole body just slumped in the chair – why am I physically resisting writing so much ugh!) This old book, this book of struggle and pain and illness and so many experiences, is full; that’s why I feel like instead of the typical turn-to-a-new-chapter phase, I’m opting for the change the whole-damn-book this time.
So about these positive things now ehhhhhh!
I’ve officially opened my agency part time now. It’s been in the works since I migrated back to the UK in 2016, and I’m happy to finally be able to say I’ve done it. It’s been a long, hard journey but now I’m able to look forward to a time when I can finally not drag my lifeless body out of bed prematurely to drive 45 miles in traffic to a work place that doesn’t support my life dreams and goals. Don’t get me wrong; I love my job and I do like the people I work for but that’s just that; I’m working for someone, not myself. I’ve always been the type of person who likes the freedom of working around my peak productivity, rather than against it, and sadly, many companies don’t support remote working for employees.
Money doesn’t motivate me. Time does. I’m a serial time hacker; I find ways to speed up my work so that I can maximise my time and fit more in. The more time spent working during my peak productivity, the more effective I am and the higher the quality of my work is. This literally makes me at least 50% happier and a happier me is a better working version of me.
Among all the change is now “settling” into a new relationship. It’s weird because I spent the last two years on my own, doing my own thing and enjoying my silence. But I did feel like something was missing every now and then, so now I have the beautiful mess of trying to figure out how I can work around not only a long commute and two jobs, but a whole other complex human being too. Things like dinner have become complicated, where it just used to be me grabbing something quick and easy, and now having to take into consideration someone else’s food preferences. It’s something small and obvious, but when you’re usually in autopilot for this sort of thing for two years, and then suddenly not, it’s another thing on the schedule to be done. (Side note: piano helps with writing focus.)
Okay, I think the writing muscles are officially flexed and warm. Time to write some client words. Thanks for reading… or scrolling this far at the least. You’re awesome.
Love you guys!
PS: I actually have a few writing projects being done on the back burner finally which I’ll link to in the future. And don’t forget to follow me on Linkedin to keep updated with all my work.